How to choose the right therapist: A guide to finding the best fit for you
Deciding to start therapy can be a daunting task. What does it mean to you that you want help? How do you feel about the issues and situations that are propelling you in this direction? Are you in acute stress or more stable and looking for growth? And then, on top of this, you need to spend ages trawling through directories and reading similar content written by therapists the world over. You don’t know really what their modality means or their training. You just know you need help.
When friends ask me, “How do I choose a therapist” they’re often expecting a straightforward, one-size-fits-all answer. Something like:
“If you have trauma, try Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR) or Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT).”
“For depression or anxiety, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) works best.”
“If it’s family issues, Internal Family Systems (IFS) is the way to go.”
On the UKCP website, there are eight main umbrella approaches to therapy. Therapy modalities are a bit like Russian dolls—within broader approaches like psychodynamic, existential, and integrative therapy, there are many nuanced ways to practice. It creates the problem outlined above for clients, namely how to choose the right therapy and therapist.
What many psychotherapists and Psychologists fail to acknowledge is that the type of therapy you need depends a great deal on who you are as it does on your specific challenges as well as the type of person your therapist is.
Understanding Yourself is Key
Instead of focusing solely on techniques, it’s worth pausing to reflect on yourself. Are you someone who thrives with structure and clear step-by-step guidance? Or do you prefer an approach that’s more intuitive and open-ended? Do you resonate with stories and metaphors, or are you drawn to facts and logic? Are you a visual or abstract person?
You may or may not consciously know these things about yourself, but you'll probably be drawn to different approaches based on your implicit understanding of yourself. For instance, EMDR therapy can work wonders for processing traumatic experiences, but only if you have a visual mind, luckily most do. Since a lot of the processing occurs through imagining new scenarios or altering old ones, if you cannot think in images, the efficacy is reduced, and it might not be where you want to invest your time and money.
Even your view of therapy plays a role. Are you coming to therapy because you feel something inside you needs to be fixed? Or are you more curious, wanting to explore and understand yourself better? These are self-reflective questions and while you don’t need to answer all these questions before starting therapy, they might indicate a style or way of working you might enjoy. Hopefully, the person you are when you enter therapy is at least a bit different to who you’ll become once you leave therapy. At least that seems to be some of the point right? Everyone who comes to therapy has a problem of some kind that they are willing to put the effort into easing. The answers to these questions are as important as the type of therapy itself because they guide you toward what—and who—will work best for you.
The Importance of the Therapist Over the Therapy
The most important thing when choosing a therapist is whether you (the client), like, trust and respect them. Hopefully, you will be working through some things that are hard to face and tough to get through and you need someone who can help you through this process with professionalism, warmth and constructive challenge.
An article dubbed The Secrets of Supershrinks highlights a crucial truth: the therapist themselves—their skills, approach, and ability to connect with clients—matters more than the specific therapeutic modality they use. Research consistently shows that the quality of the relationship between the client and therapist is one of the strongest predictors of success in therapy.
"Who provides the therapy treatment is a much more important determinant of success than what treatment approach is provided."
In other words, while EMDR, CBT, or IFS might all be effective in their own right, the therapist’s ability to understand you, make you feel safe, and adapt their approach to your needs will impact your healing more than the techniques they use. The number one factor when determining the success of therapy isn’t to do with the therapist's modality or even the number of years that they have studied and worked. It has to do with the relationship between therapist and client. The best therapists among us are the ones who can reach and facilitate substantial change with their clients, and this doesn’t come from the therapist's know-how or grasp of the intellectual theory (though this is important). Change is usually facilitated by being vulnerable, allowing oneself to open up and let the other in, letting them affect you. The client needs to show up and become vulnerable in one way or another and the therapist has to meet that vulnerability appropriately.
The ‘appropriate way’ may be different for every client, some want a nurturing approach, and others want to be held to account, this is why it can be hard to find the ‘right’ match for your therapeutic needs. Sometimes, this means trying a few therapists out to ensure that the relationship has the potential to flourish; it’s why it is so important to trust your experience when you first meet with a therapist. How you feel when you work with them is one thing, but how easy it is for you to communicate and share your experience with them is everything - this will determine how far you can go together. Being comfortable or at ease in their presence can indicate fertile ground for building trust, and trust is necessary when therapy gets difficult and vulnerable.
My Experience Choosing a Therapist
When I chose my therapist many years ago, the process was surprisingly instinctive. Of course, I made sure she had the right credentials, was accredited by reputable organisations, and had experience with my specific issues. Once those basic requirements were met, I narrowed my options down to a few therapists and made my final decision based on something as simple as their picture.
For me, this blend of structure and intuition worked perfectly. But that doesn’t mean it’s the only way, or the “right” way, to choose a therapist.
Some people prefer to base their decision purely on qualifications, focusing on degrees and certifications.
Others trust their gut, going with the person who simply feels right, even if they can’t articulate why.
Neither approach is wrong. The key is to do what feels right for you.
What does it look like when you make a good choice? How do we recognise it?
A good therapist does not eliminate all doubt—a good therapist allows for doubt to be explored safely. Declaring in this article that I like and trust my therapist and I feel like I chose well does not mean I never second-guessed her. Nor does it mean that our work together was an easy, perfect combination of souls walking through the meadow of my mind…* cough cough *…No, not quite.
Just like any normal relationship, you oscillate from being understood to questioning if they ever understood you at all. The key difference is that you talk about it together. The difference in a good therapeutic relationship is that these moments of disconnection don’t become barriers; instead, they become opportunities for discussion, repair, and deepening trust. A strong therapeutic alliance isn’t about constant agreement but about a shared willingness to reflect, to clarify, and to work through misunderstandings together. The presence of open dialogue—where you feel safe enough to voice discomfort, confusion, or even frustration—is often a sign that you’ve made a good choice.
The secret to finding the right therapist is accepting the limits of choice—there’s always some level of uncertainty and risk. No therapist is a perfect fit from the outset; all we ever choose is the potential of a good relationship. For me, the key was recognising that a therapist is a person first, not just a professional role. It reminds me of school, where teachers only seemed to exist as teachers in my mind, not as full humans with their struggles and dreams. Therapists don’t have it all figured out either, but how they are in the room—their presence, openness, and way of being—matters more than just what they do.
When choosing my own therapist, I paid attention to my instinctive, bodily response. While modality (existential, CBT, etc) and experience are important, there’s also a non-verbal layer to connection—a sense of ease, feeling seen, or a subtle relaxation. If 80% of communication is non-verbal, then much of what we understand about others happens beneath the surface. So, I had to trust what felt right.
What my therapist and I built together wasn’t guaranteed, but it was ours to build—and that’s what makes our relationship meaningful - that we co-created it.
What Kind of Therapist Do You Need?
After asking, “What type of therapy am I drawn to?” it is helpful to then ask, “What kind of therapist do I need?” Consider what qualities make you feel safe and supported in relationships. Do you prefer someone direct and challenging, or someone gentle and warm? Would you like a therapist who actively guides the process or one who gives you more space to lead?
These reflections can guide you toward a therapist who feels like the right fit. And if you’re unsure or it takes a few tries to find the right person, that’s perfectly okay. The process itself can be a learning experience, helping you understand more about what you need and value.
A Note on Finances
Of course, finding the right fit isn’t just about personality and modality—it’s also about what’s financially sustainable for you. My recommendation is to choose someone who's fee fits into your budget. Therapy can be expensive, and you'll probably find that you'll make progress faster if you aren't worrying about the cost of the session each week. Therapeutic change is a process, and as such, you and your therapist need enough time to become something together and 'get somewhere'. So, find a price that allows you to start your journey with confidence.
Final Thoughts
Finding the right therapist isn’t about solving a puzzle—it’s about finding a connection. Trust your instincts, stay curious, and allow yourself time to explore. Therapy is an investment in yourself, and you deserve the best fit.
My name is Katie, and I’m an existential psychotherapist who takes a warm, empowering, and attentive approach. I specialise in working with people who have experienced grief, trauma, and low self-esteem, and I’m deeply passionate about helping clients live more authentically and confidently. If this resonates with you and you’re looking for a therapist who values warmth, empowerment, and deep connection, I’d love to hear from you. Feel free to visit my contact page to get in touch.
