Grief is a place you visit
One of the most common concerns I hear from bereaved clients is: When will my grief end? This question is understandable—grief is unlike any other pain. But what if grief doesn’t work the way we expect? What if it isn’t something that fades with time, but rather a place we return to throughout our lives?
It’s something that clients, understandably, struggle with. There is no pain like grief and each person's experience is utterly unique. The quality and tone of your grief will depend on the circumstances around how your loved one died, the quality of the relationship you created together and how your friends and family react and support you through this time.
What I have noticed is that often people connect grief to their understanding of time. It’s common for clients to google how they are supposed to feel at different time intervals, say three months, six months and years after their bereavement. I understand this instinct because you want to know when the pain will end. You think, “When will I be happy again?” or “When will I no longer be affected by this loss?” But here’s the thing about pain - there is plenty of it to go around - it’s not going to ‘run out’. If we only consider grief as it's expressed in time, then the question naturally becomes when it will end. Similar to a gruelling marathon or extended time of physical endurance - we become focused on finishing the race or completing the project.
But Grief is not a thing to be completed.
Grief’s Timeless Landscape
What I have found helpful is to reformulate how I talk and think about Grief with my clients. I ask them “What if you think of your Grief as a place?" What if it is a unique and deeply personal landscape that exists in space but crucially outside of time. Grief isn’t something we leave behind like an old chapter in a book. It’s more like a house or a place we once lived in—one we revisit unexpectedly, stepping inside through memories, anniversaries, or the smallest reminders. It’s not a linear journey but a landscape, familiar yet always changing. Some days, it feels like home. On other days, it feels like a storm. It’s not linear, nor does it follow the orderly progression that society often expects of us. Instead, grief resides outside of time’s constraints, waiting to be revisited when memories, moments, or emotions pull us back.
You might feel like you’ve moved forward, only to suddenly find yourself back in the depths of sorrow after hearing a song, smelling a familiar scent, or stumbling across a photo. It’s as though grief exists in its own dimension—a parallel space that we can step into and out of but one that never truly disappears. Of course, once you lose someone close to you, your whole world looks, feels and is qualitatively different. Relationships can become strained between people who have never lost anyone versus those of us who have. Once you join the grief club, you're in - for life.
Getting Used to the Idea of Grief
Grief is a specific type of loss. Therefore, grief is associated with various forms of loss, not just death, other examples include breakups, health and redundancy, to name a few. So it’s worthwhile getting used to the idea of grief. We aren’t great with grief as a culture - we find it difficult to talk about it and maybe rely on the stiff-upper-lip approach too much. But if we can accept that grief is a place we visit, it might become easier to manage because it takes the pressure off having to ‘complete’ grief.
You'll never have to fear losing access to your loved one because you can visit your grief place, where your love for them feels most potent, whenever you choose. There is something equally beautiful and sorrowful about the timeless nature of grief. Grief doesn’t fade in a straight line; it ebbs and flows. Moments of intense sadness may follow long periods of peace, and then suddenly, it can feel as though you’ve been transported back to the initial shock of your loss. But this isn’t a regression; it’s just the nature of grief’s nonlinear, timeless existence.
I discuss the above with my clients, sharing why this perspective matters so much. So many people feel the pressure to grieve “correctly”, to follow some arbitrary rules or stages, to reach closure, and to prove that they are healing by demonstrating progress. Yet, this prioritises your grief as something to be completed, as if the purpose of grief is to end. This view can lead to unnecessary suffering, leading people to feel broken or stuck, like they are grieving wrong. This perspective, while well-meaning, undermines the true nature of grief.
Grief is Love in another form, and we deserve to be free from the expectation that it should disappear. We all carry grief and learning to live with it rather than fight against it can lead to a more compassionate and accepting existence. If we see grief as a process with an endpoint, we feel like we’re failing if it resurfaces.
Revisiting Grief
Grief is not a place you leave behind forever. Instead, like in the photo above, you’ll travel, maybe by boat to revisit your grief place throughout your life. Significant anniversaries, milestones, or even mundane moments can bring you back. Yet each visit is different. Over time, the sharp edges may soften. The once-overwhelming emotions might become quieter, and more reflective.
Revisiting grief also offers an opportunity for healing. Each visit allows you to process another layer of your loss, sit with the pain, and find meaning in the memories. It’s not about finding closure or “getting over” it but about integrating the experience into your life and your sense of self. You may even find that you don’t mind visiting your grief place anymore; it no longer scares you because you can come and go as you please with relative ease.
Making Space for Grief
Since grief is timeless and personal, it’s essential to give yourself permission to grieve in your own way and at your own pace. This means creating space in your life to honour your loss—whether through rituals, creative expression, or simply allowing yourself to feel without judgment.
It also means being gentle with yourself when grief shows up unannounced. Instead of resisting or trying to rush through it, consider what it might be asking of you. Is it a call to reflect, to remember, or to reconnect with what you’ve lost? Grief, as painful as it can be, is also a testament to love and connection. It reminds us of the depth of our bonds and the significance of what we hold dear.
Finding Companionship in the Place of Grief
While grief is deeply personal, it doesn’t have to be lonely. Sharing your grief with others—whether through therapy, support groups, or conversations with loved ones—can help illuminate the path. Others who have visited their own grief landscapes may not walk your exact journey but can offer empathy and understanding.
Grief is not something we conquer or leave behind. It is a place we visit, a timeless space woven into the fabric of our lives. By embracing its presence and making room for its ebb and flow, we can find a way to coexist with it—to honour the love and loss it represents and to continue moving forward with grace and resilience.
My name is Katie, and I’m an existential psychotherapist who takes a warm, empowering, and attentive approach. If this perspective on grief resonates with you, and you're looking for support in navigating loss, I’d love to help. I specialise in working with people who have experienced grief, trauma, and low self-esteem, and I’m deeply passionate about helping clients live more authentically and confidently. If you think we might be a good match, I’d love to hear from you. Feel free to visit my contact page to get in touch.
